Public proposals and reasons to turn you down

Public proposal is a commonplace among young folks in a relationship these days. While many such proposals have turned out to be a real success and interesting, many have ended terribly and shockingly embarassing. So, if you're considering going through with this some day, you will do well to take a moment to go through this checklist on how to do it right.

There are many different sorts of surprise proposals out there, and we’re not talking about surprising your partner with a ring at sunset on your favorite outing. We’re talking about huge, elaborate, and extremely public proposals that more or less force your partner to either say yes, or humiliate you beyond recovery. There’s a whole genre of proposal fails on YouTube out there if you think this is a thing that never happens.

The recent increase in public proposal has led Lisa Hoplock, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Manitoba who quite literally got her Ph.D. in marriage proposals to share her thoughts about why public proposals keep happening, even though data indicates that 85 percent of people prefer a proposal to happen in private. So, think about the following things to figure out what percentage your partner likely falls into.

Hoplock says that there isn’t much research on the topic, presumably outside her own writing. However, she thinks a lot of public proposals are motivated by a deep insecurity that the person getting asked will say no, and being caught out in public will be the extra push they need. You know, to commit themselves to you for the rest of their lives:

“It’s possible the proposers are trying to put someone on the spot because the audience knows the script, and they want to encourage the person to say yes,” she says. “If there’s hesitation (on the part of the person being asked), the audience might get involved, and start chanting ‘Say yes! Say yes!’”

This isn’t a new idea, necessarily.

In 2012, the BBC interviewed psychologist Glenn Wilson, who basically said the same thing:

“It’s possible that some men think that this will pile pressure upon her and increase the likelihood of getting a positive response, that she must think that he really loves her if he goes to this extent of trouble and trickery.”

Once the word “trickery” comes into the marriage plans, it’s time for some self-reflection.

Many stories from women in particular about public proposals include them saying they would have preferred a private one. If you’re seriously considering marriage, this is hopefully something you’ve talked about with the person you’re proposing to. What has your partner said about it in the past?

Haplock says that of the almost 700 stories she researched, many included some poor woman saying something like, “He should have known better.”

But there are people who genuinely want these public proposals and have perhaps said as much to you; in that case, you’re in the clear.

Though double check with a couple of friends and family members of your beloved to be extra, extra sure.

Or just be up front and discuss the issue with your partner. If the two of you have discussed your feelings about marriage, and how your partner might like to be officially proposed to, the details of the proposal can still be a surprise, and you won’t have to worry that you’re inadvertently making them uncomfortable.